Sunday, December 31

Those last times of the year

Those times when you catch yourself being crazy reflective. Being in your hometown, being with family and friends from a time when things seemed complicated, but in all truth, was just a bunch of teenage drama. Now moving forward to the future when it seems like all there is is jobs and bills and sticky financial situations, you really feel the moment and don't let it pass by in a haze of teenage vision. I really appreciate the time I have with everyone I miss, but don't realize how much I miss them. ::phew:: How overwhelming at times.

I came home Sunday, Dec. 24. After working over 55 hours in one week, (I'm rather spoiled on the work front. I've always had a nice cushy job. Now I don't.) I was an emotional wreck as well as a wreck physically. My gums were torn up from stress and my gnawing at them, my nerves were raw from assisting customer after customer while carrying on the costume of a fantastic employee that loves their job...I cried....twice, in the car when I heard Christmas music. The little drummer boy. Don't even ask me why.
I've settled down quite a bit since then tho. The gift giving was fantastic. I love that part. I received a stand mixer(!!!!) from The Boy, and cooking gadgets galore. I couldn't be more excited to get back in the Kitchen. (I still want a table though...)
I got to visit with one of my best friends, The Draper. I miss her and her crazy ways. She has so much going on and I really wish we were as close as we were in high school. I feel awful that we don't have the same support system that we had for each other in high school. I hope that I can be there for her like always. My other best friend, The Physics major, is back for a visit from the wild west. I miss her dearly as well, augh. Too much sometimes. The three of us were seriously inseparable. Anyway, Physics girlie is here as well as her cousin, The Actor from Chicago. (I don't really think that's what he does, but that's what he graduated from college for. So good enough.) We got some good old bubble tea then had a good old time changing a flat tire on my mothers vehicle on the side of a road that was covered in dog crap. All the while, never knowing that my mother has roadside assistance. Ah well, I needed the experience. Actor was all into it "I changed a tire while dressed as Donatella Versace in a blue ball gown with a waist length blond wig! Lets go!" Turned out okay. Thanks guy :o) Later on in the week the three of us went to the local gay bar. Danced, people watched, guessed which side they were on, and gave nicknames to "special" characters. After we had gotten home, we decided we needed to get back out and head to The Diner. All in all, a long, but fun nite.

I spent more time with my niece. Another thing I feel slightly guilty about. Not spending time with her I mean. I moved away, just as a new member of the family arrived. Another support system I am not underneath. I started to worry as I held her while I we were at a skating rink. Babies are more then just a new responsibility, they're a life changing catalyst. At least that's what I think. You have to sacrifice the life you had before in order to give the best to the child. And those who are young usually don't realize this. I hand it to my Brother and his girlfriend for the strength it took to have her, but they still don't seem like they have to sacrifice anything. I understand, I certainly was still all about myself when I was their age. I just worry for the baby. Anyway. I'm just being way overprotective. I tend to be about people I love. Overprotective and paranoid and jealous. Good traits, huh?

Anyway, with that worry out in the open...

New Years plans include being lazy (currently being carried out), cleaning out some of my stuff from my parents house, chilling with Physics girlie with her fam and mine, calling the boy frequently (or at least thinking about it. I miss him like crazy. I know I live with him and I'll see him soon, I'm just attached! :o/ ) and going back to my apartment tomorrow. ::sigh:: and back to the grindstone. Damn.....but I have my stand mixer!! Hooray baking!! Thank you my sweet sweet boyfriend! He's so awesome. Ya'll jealous ;o)

Being more open to criticism.
Being more flexible.
Being less of an uptight jerk.
Finding a real job.
Friends? I really would like to find some more friends closer to me.
Be better with my money.

I wish the Best to Everyone in the New Year!

Thursday, November 16


How a bit of rain can ruin a whole day.

Don't get me wrong, I love rain.
I just never realized how depressed everything gets. I mean like....moving slowly.
I got out of bed after laying there for an hour, just listening to the rain on the roof.
By the time I got my shower and got dressed, it was nearly 1130
I wanted to take this job application in person, but I didn't fill it out yet. By the time I was finished hemming and hawing about what to write, it was suddenly 2.
Now I am still not finished because I don't know of any job-related skills that would help me get a job there!!!

I'm pathetic.

Monday, November 13

The Big 2-2

Ya, I know. I'm a fricken spring chicken.
And I LOVE it! :oD
Don't you worry, I certainly am not taking my youth for granted.

For example:
I still continue ballet lessons (even tho, I really can't afford it)
I still eat whatever I want (even though I can tell I should stop that soon)
I love (for the most part) what my body looks like
and I try to never forget to appreciate moments of beauty, excitement, and wonder.
So don't try to tell me I am wasting my young life. Thank you.

That said, I had a pretty nice weekend. Started off with a delivery of flowers from the 'rents. It is quite the interesting bouquet...I get to use the dish it came in for baking! woowoo! Hehe!
Boyfriend took me out to a fancy scmancy restaurant. Wine, salmon, chocolate and sherry. So tasty. I think Saturday was pretty uneventful, but Sunday I went with my aunt to the Carhart store in the boonies, and to an antique store. I found a really pretty china set with a silver and light green design on it, only $80! (No, I didn't buy it.....but I was considering it.) And I also found a shadow box. I really want one of those too. You keep little trinkets and doo-dads in the little compartments. I remember looking at my mom's shadow box all the time and marveling at how tiny everything was.

Anyway. We also found where my interview is tomorrow. Easy to get to. I wasn't nervous about it until my mother called and told me to bring my summer project to talk about. I'm like....crap. Eh. I'm just trying to remember to relax. It'll go well.

And now I'm off to check the mail for birthday card stragglers! yay!)

Tuesday, November 7


Good freakin morning!
Gosh, it's early for me.
I just want to be able to speak when asked questions at the interview later on. Morning voice ain't pretty.
It's still too early for breakfast too.
*stomach grumbles*
Well, maybe not.

You know who is cool?
My boyfriend.
He tortures me with tickling, teases me relentlessly....
yet when I'm trying to fall asleep but feel kinda like crap, he plays with my hair and asks if I'm okay.
Awww.....what a guy!
I'll think I'll toast him a bagel. :oD

Monday, November 6


Ya know. I really hate inconsiderate people.
Like the people who own this apartment.
They're nice enough, I guess, but they are either way lazy, or way too into themselves to give a crap about this place that makes them money.

Number one: When boyfriend moved in here, there were a number of issues. Namely the bath tub. It exists solely as a shower, even though it has a bath tub. The thingie (technical term) that you pull to stop the water from the faucet to the shower head is permanently fused in the shower position. Also (this drives me CRAZY every day) that there is no knob in which to adjust the water temperature. Just a little metal stick. Like a joystick. That is stuck. And then you want it just a tad warmer, but because it sticks it FLIES to the left side and it burns your skin. And you try to adjust it back and it FLIES back to the right turning you into a popsicle. *grumble*

Number two: The kitchen sink was broken. The water went from the faucet, into the drain, thru the giant hole in the cabinet and onto the floor in the cellar. It took them 2 WEEKS to get someone here to replace it. I would understand a week, but we couldn't do dishes for that amount of time! I would have done dishes in the bathtub, but remember? It only works as a shower! *twitch*

Number three: What sparked this whole rant, they leave their clothes in the washer and dryer ALL WEEKEND. Not only is that going to make their clothes reek terribly, but it it SUPER inconsiderate. Seeing as the only thing now that is really making this place messy is boyfriend's clothes that are everywhere. (Yes, I don't know how he has that many clothes either.) And seeing as they are showing the apt to someone this afternoon, as a deal, he would clean the coffee table (dinner table/desk/footrest) and do the dishes while I did the laundry. Good deal.
But no. Can't do laundry. Come on now landlords, I know you own the place, but there are other people who live here!

Man...does this mean I'm getting old when I get pissed about not being able to do laundry??

Sunday, November 5


Well, just one job.
In retail.
It's one of my favorite stores, but still. It's in retail.

I'm bring positive about the whole thing because I don't want to be negative and ruin how much fun I could have there. Still greeting complete strangers really isn't my bag, baby. I did do stuff I can get into though....restocking. so delightfully repetitive. Also register. I hope I get snukkered into working register so I can get really good at it. And get good talking with people.
Also, I have an interview for another part time (office) job. To be honest, I know I hate these kinda of jobs, but it's stuff I know how to do, and it's kinda like a comfort thing. We'll see how it goes, I'm getting better with the meeting thing.

Things here are much of the same tho, He and I are still struggling to get over our annoying congestion colds (seriously, his snoring is terrible. I have never heard him snore as much as he does now. And me? I'm sure I'm pretty terrible as well. And waking up in the morning choking on hardened snot? Ick. Ew. Gag. ). Our need to be plastered to each other is still quite strong. That will probably be bad for me later. And his desire to tickle me til I can't breathe is also grating a bit on my nerves. That he doesn't understand that it TOTALLY SUCKS, is also tough to get thru when you can't talk.

I'm getting desperate for money. I think I have a little more that 150 in the bank right now, and i have a loan payment coming up not to mention the credit card payment as well, now that I actually used it. My summer tree counting money would be really awesome is it came like 2 WEEKS ago. Alas, I'm not sure if I will get it until next week, or good grief, the week after that. Augh, bureaucracy.

Monday, October 23

A bum of the nth degree

Good. Freakin. Grief.
1 month in and NO JOB.
I never pictured myself without a job. EVER.
I'm one of those middle class people that just accept life is going to be work day after work day until you retire. I never once thought....hey, I could prolly just get away with living off "the system." I still don't think I could (I eat far too much, and have an expensive taste for good food) but I can see how people just get "hooked" on the support and don't bother with really trying to find one.

I admit. I'm not looking nearly hard enough.
This whole "putting yourself out there" is totally not me. And I hate every second of it. I hate calling people on the phone and I hate constantly e-mailing and I hate not having anything to do. I feel like my hate of boredom and laziness would push me to call more places and get going, but it's just making me want to hide more.
DAMN YOU HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENTS EVERYWHERE! I hate the games they play too. I wish there was like a snapshot of everything that you could do that was just automatically updated. Then it would be an easy thing to just open up and show an employer. I'm an awesomely hard worker. But....they can't see that.
And the line "Fantastically hard worker" doesn't work on a resume.

Wednesday, October 11


I'm feelin pretty down and out.
Basically it's a vicious feedback loop (as my Envi. prof would say).
I have no job, therefore I feel lazy.
I feel lazy and that depresses me so I have no energy to care.
Not caring will not get me a job (go figure, right?).
So, yeah. It's boring.
Cleaned the bedroom and did all his laundry (but not his Gi...I don't want to screw that up!). I also tried to wash his pillow case. When I went to put it back on it looked like there was new light-ish stains on it....until I realized that the "stains" were actually where the detergent had actually cleaned the pillowcase. The rest was still dirty......ewww....
Cleaned the front room of all his electronic stuff and the boxes from his new computer. SO MANY BOXES.
He still has a bunch of his stuff in little piles, but I don't care. I'm used to a bit of mess now. I think it's because it's a bigger place than just one room. Hm...doesn't really make sense...but that's okay.

Things I want: (now that I have no money...)
1. I want a nice pair of jeans. Ones that really fit and look nice with my shoes with heels.
2. A few new cd's. It's been awhile.
3. I want to make a lot of baked stuff. Like cookies and muffins and stuff.
4. A bigger bed, or wider sheets. One of us always ends up left out in the cold. Literally.
5. I want to dance. I want to move, and shake off this shitty feeling. *shakes and grooves*

Sunday, October 1

New place

Well, here I am. It's been a week and I can hardly believe it.
It still feels like I'm on vacation, yet I can't relax.
Everytime there's downtime, I start thinking why we aren't doing anything, and what else we can do.
I'm still jobless. Another reason I always look for stuff to do I think. Don't want to be thought of as a bum. It's rough going. I don't know if I'm trying hard enough. I feel like I am, but apparently not. I'm going to have to call back two places. this week or next.
We're starting to look for places. We have an appt to see one tomorrow. I'm not too optimistic about it though. It's on a street we don't want to be on and it looks like it's part of a complex. Yuck. But that was the only success I had. I called 7 places, and that's the only appt. Makes sense I guess, just didn't realize how hard it would be.
I'm hanging out with my aunt again (for the 3rd time in a week) to try to go for a walk on the beach. My mom is talking about coming up for a visit already. ::sigh::
I'm gearin myself up for another week of job hunting and other necessities of attempting to live with my boyfriend and first time living on my own.
Learning to relax.
Learning to be agressive.
Learning to make decisions.
Learning how to grocery shop.
Learning how to communicate.
Learning how to take a joke.
Learning how to make a joke.
Learing to be responsible.
*waves* Hi everyone! I'm an adult!
If only I could convice myself that's what I am.

Saturday, September 16

It doesn't seem real. In one week I will be packing up my car to got to Rochester.
Whoa man. Pretty weird. It will be weird spending more than 2 days with Colin alone. Haha, that by itself is the weird part. I'm just gunna have to do so much cleaning. I don't care, the first day I am going to clean every room. Except the front room cause I don't even want to touch anything in there. I will probably break something. I'll spend some time on the computer looking for new postings but in reality, it will all be about the cleaning.
Speaking of....I have no place to put my computer. Crap. I have no place to sit either. I hope I have some closet space too. Yep I do. He says he has plenty. I'm just going to bring everything that is on hangers on them. There is no way he has enough for all my crap. I also need to find a place to put my tshirts and everything. I cleaned out a few plastic tupperware type things. They will have to do. My car is I won't be able to fit any furniture in there. Plus I hate the dresser I have now. Goodness. I'm going to have to start packing! eek! I don't have a job!! ACK!!

Wednesday, September 13

Gah. I keep having doubts.
Yes. I said it. Doubts.
What if we totally hate being together?

Sunday, September 10

Life is moving faster

I'm graduated.
That's pretty remarkable. School has started up again and I don't feel weird about missing it. I don't!
Not yet at least.
Moving up with the boyfriend. That's a bit daunting though. I'm wicked nervous about that. I love the boy, but I know how hard its going to be. I know this is a bit reckless, but I think I have to go for it. I have played it safe since I was born. Hardly got in trouble, never took risks. This is my big one. If I get burned, hey. That's what happens. I'm almost preparing for it but then I that me not having faith in my boyfriend of 6 years??
I'm totally unprepared. yay.
My other best friend is leaving in the morning to start her life in the city. I have one friend in the country and one in the city, and me in the middle. That's how we go. She was so nervous, granted it is not unwarrented. It's NYC. That place is intense. I'm not worried at all. Smaller city yes....but it's a huge step.
Here's to the next leap. Cheers *drinks*

Tuesday, August 29

The plan for today

Seeing as this morning is a perfect Fall morning with a light steady rain and a cool breeze that is reminiscent of the impending season, this is my list fortoday so I am not distracted to do other sorts of things that i would rather do on this kind of day.
-Appointment at the dentist office at 910
-then come home and grab a drink and come up to your workspace
open the tree report and write more on the west side
open a powerpoint and get the layout of the presentation
make graphs of basal area and comparing the number of trees per mile in each side
Please refer to this when you get distracted. Because I know you will.
BEcause your alarm went off this morning at 7:30 and you were in bed til 8:20 just looking out the window and taking deep breaths of that cool air.
Get a move on babe, life awaits.

Monday, August 28

Open your eyes

Overwhelming feelings tend to make me delirious
so oblivious to the real, cruel, harsh, unkindness of life.
One day when I'm old I will realize this,
but now,
now all I can think about is the changing future.
The brand new day with brand new sights
the brand new routes to work, the brand new routine
all settling into a comfortable normal
interspersed with the occasional surprise
and unexpected randomness that life always does bring.
Honestly love, I can't wait to live that life with you.
I know I'm sounding naive and too hopeful
and I feel that way too.
How else can I be if I have yet to be around you more than a few short nights at a time.
Trust me love, it will be difficult
I will be difficult, you will be impossible.
I will make mistakes, you will forget.
I know all this, but I'm waiting to share it
with you.

Monday, August 21

Just some Babble

There are times when it really hits me hard
the bass shakes me from inside out
the beat begins and i have to find my breath
the rhythm of life seems so take me over
takes me for a ride while i sit and watch
the haunting melody forces me to close my eyes
enjoy the ride
like a drug induced high
with merely a recognition
that life is bigger than me.
my song continues building
in anticipation of the notes that complete the chords.

Thursday, August 3

Once again...

Being productive in all areas but work.
Made dinner. Well, I made too much lunch....I thought the ratio for rice was 1c. rice for 2c. water. nope. other way around.
Started some laundry.
Went to the doctors. I get to have a nerve conduction study done. electrical zaps! fun!)
Apparently the ulna in my right wrist is a little longer than the other bone and that might be causing my "discomfort." I think she thinks I'm batshit crazy. All my symptoms are everywhere.
OO, I'm making the double chocolate chip cookies again. They were awesome last time I made them.

The rain cooled it off a lot here. It's prolly only 85 here now! Crap. Which means I don't have an excuse for not counting trees. Dang.

Monday, July 31


I get overwhelmed.
A lot.
When that happens,
I shut down.
Take for example, today. I Deadlines, a presentation to the city, a report for the city, and I am spectacularly behind. Seems to me most people would work harder. Get their butts in gear, start working feverishly until they felt better about their situation. Me? Apparently I like to wallow in my panic. Just let it marinade and soak until I have the inevitable self break-down.
I make lists like it's my job, but I shirk my job like it's an addiction.
No patience. No persistance.
If everything was like dancing, imagine how fast I would have it done.
But I feel so compelled to keep a blog.
Maybe it's the exhibitionist in me, knowing that whatever I write someone will read. (read: ego!)
It might be the procrastination factor of a blog. I spend a lot of time on the internet and a lot of time doing things to put off the more important stuff like.....a job.
Or maybe I feel it will be easier than the real journal I try to keep.
I always have lots of thoughts in my head at any one time, so the journal ends up destroyed because I write ALL kinds of notes in it.
We'll see. I'll probably just delete it. Meh, it's just internet space, right??

Currently I'm procrastinating my internship work. I have to call 4 teenage volunteers to see if they will continue to help. Because I need to count 2000 more trees. And I'm pretty sure I can't do it by myself in 3 weeks. It was exciting this morning because I met with the city and found out some more facts about the internship. IE: getting paid!!! My professor was away for a month and the contract is probably sitting in his mailbox. He has to mail it back and then they will send the check. Which means I won't be paid for a long long time because he is going away for another 3 weeks. ::sigh:: I need that money! Good thing I have that part time job.

My wrists are starting to act up again. I have an appt with a physician assistant at an orthepedist this week. So hopefully she can help me figure out what to do.

Hm....I wonder if the teenagers are up by now?
*ring ring*
Cheerfull Tree Hugger: Hello! How are you?!?
Sleepy Teenager: mumble, mumble...
CTH: Great! I was wondering if you are able to come out and walk aroung in the heat and the sun staring at trees for free?
ST: uhhhh...what?
CTH: Fantastic! Meet me at the park in an hour! Bye!!!

Muahaha. sweet sweet power!